November 11, 2008

Since it is Novemeber 11 - the poem that is the source of all my pacifism


Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,
Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,
Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs,
And towards our distant rest began to trudge.
Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots,
But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame, all blind;
Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots
Of gas-shells dropping softly behind.

Gas! Gas! Quick, boys! — An ecstasy of fumbling
Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time,
But someone still was yelling out and stumbling
And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime. —
Dim through the misty panes and thick green light,
As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams before my helpless sight
He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams, you too could pace
Behind the wagon that we flung him in,
And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,
His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin,
If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood
Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs
Bitter as the cud
Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues, —
My friend, you would not tell with such high zest
To children ardent for some desperate glory,
The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.


November 9, 2008

Metamorphosen

This past Thursday night I had the pleasure of spending an evening at a free concert at the Kennedy Center. The Opera House Orchestra performed Puccini's I Chrisantemi, then Samuel Barber's arrangement of the poem Dover Beach (words sung by a baritone with a pure, full voice), then Ernest Chausson's Chanson Perpetuelle (sung by a mezzo soprano who was wonderful but I admit I had to close my eyes because her facial expressions were sort of disracting), and lastly, Strauss' Metamporphosen. Strauss wrote this last one after the Munich opera house was bombed during WWII, and in the last eight bars of the piece, if you listen for it in the cello section, you'll hear an homage to Beethoven's 3rd Symphony. Another thing that makes the piece so interesting is that the entire piece is made up of sectional solos. It's a long one, so I could only find it on YouTube split into sections, but I share it with you all here because it reminded me that, regardless of time or inclinations or place, really excellent classical music fills my soul in a way that no other music can.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

(Sorry that I'm not technologically savvy enough to embed the videos, but it's worth the trouble, I promise.)

November 8, 2008

what winter nights demand


jeff buckley "lover, you should have come over"
Its never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
It's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
It's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

this song is perfect. and it sums up so much of how we all feel from time to time.

Prints.

So after Will and I went to High School Musical 3 (yes, that's what I said), we went to to the Gainesville Art Festival, and it was AMAZING. Besides having all sorts of funnel cakes and potato swirls, there was some awesome art. Will ended up with this excellent poster-print of a 1948 football player. I got lost in an intriguing set of photographs by Laura Coppedge. There were these amazing ghosty prints at her stand which aren't on her website, but here are a few from her swimmer series. I bought the one with the gramophone. I am IN LOVE with it. Will suggests that I marry it; I'm seeing what I can do.





the sheen on the skin of a face

we were sitting around the kitchen table this afternoon, my roommates and i, and through the window streamed the kindest of afternoon lights, a warmth indistinguishable (if you were to close your eyes) from the birthing light of spring.
after a moment, my roommate, glowing, just engaged, said:

oh, can't we just be here forever?

what is forever, but the timeless passage of light at the speed of 2.9 x 10^8 m/s through a south facing kitchen window? what is eternity or infinity but the hope of being enveloped by such warmth, the kindness of the earth's womb?

eternity is a terrifying concept. thelma proclaimed this in a visit to our yellow house one weekend in october, and i have wondered at it since. it is the truth that i don't understand it, that none of us can understand it, but something of the billions of base pairs of DNA replicating in our bodies at any given moment, the knowledge of our genetic codes, the reprinting of a genome that has at once always existed and has always been different, makes me want to believe it.

in her book of luke, annie dillard questions,
It is a fault of infinity to be too small to find. It is a fault of eternity to be crowded out by time. Before our eyes we see an unbroken sheath of colors. We live over a bulk of things. We walk amid a congeries of colored things that part before our steps to reveal more colored things. Above us hurtle more things, which fill the universe. There is no crack. Unbreakable seas lie flush on their beds. Under the Greenland icecap lies not so much as a bubble... Where, then, is the gap through which eternity streams? In holes at the roots of forest cedars I find spiders and chips. I have rolled plenty of stones away, to no avail. Under the lily pads on the lake are flatworms and lake water. Materials wrap us seamlessly; time propels us ceaselessly. Muffled and bound we pitch forward from one filled hour to the next, from one filled landscape or house to the next. No rift between one note of the chorus and the next opens on infinity. No spear of eternity interposes itself between work and lunch.

And this is what we love: this human-scented skull, the sheen on the skin of a face, this exhilarating game, this crowded feast, these shifting mountains, the dense water and its piercing suits. And are we called to forsake these vivid and palpable goods for an idea of which we experience not one trace? Am I to believe eternity outranks my child's finger?


we roll at stones, we try to believe it, we think of the idea that "eternity bears time in its side like a hole".
i still am not sure what to think, but i do know this truth: i might not mind bathing in that circle of light with people that i love for as long as i can comprehend it.

A poem by Frank O'Hara that I fell in love with last night

Having a Coke with You

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, IrĂșn, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them
                                                                                      I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse
                    it seems they were all cheated of some marvellous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I’m telling you about it

November 7, 2008

Speaking of home...

my friend brian showed me this tonight and it is just so lovely:

george harrison & paul simon "homeward bound"

Goodbye Mr. Eltayeb

Tonight at this reading I ran into my friend Tarek and realized that he would be leaving soon. The thought made me sad until I remembered his wife and the piano and how nice it would be for him to be back in Vienna. He is a gentle soul. I like how this blog is populated by gentle souls who are moved by passion, beauty, and extraordinary intelligence. I told him that I once gave a watercolor to one of my heroes--Derek Walcott--which was both one of the scariest and most wonderful things I have ever done. I told him that Derek Walcott smiled and handled my painting with great care. Derek Walcott told me that he paints, too: gouache and watercolor. "What do you paint?" I asked. "The sea," he said. Tarek smiled when he heard this and patted my arm. "I want to paint the colors I see here," he said. And I knew exactly what he meant. Iowa is this wonderfully distracted shade of auburn and honey with swatches of green and blue. Derek Walcott painted the the sea beacuse it was his home and I think we all, in some way, want to paint the colors we see in the places that we are in order to know and love the places as our homes. That is a lovely and a humane thing.

William Eggleston at the Whitney

"Perfect or not, the images quickly became influential classics."




"Naturally, we see the work more clearly now. We know that the dye transfer printing Mr. Eggleston used produced tones of almost hallucinatory intensity, like custard yellow sunset light slanting across a wall. And compositions that at first seemed bland and random on a second, third and 20th look proved not to be."



Song of the Nuns

(From the Therigatha, Buddhist verses for nuns)

FREE woman,
be free
as the moon is freed
from the eclipse of the sun.

With a free mind,
in no debt,
enjoy what has been given to you.

Get rid of the tendency
to judge yourself
above, below, or
equal to others.
A nun who has self-possession
and integrity
will find the peace that nourishes
and never causes too much of anything.

Be filled with all good things
like the moon on the fifteenth day
Completely, perfectly full
of wisdom
tear open
the massive dark.

I, a nun, trained and self-composed,
established mindfulness
and entered peace like an arrow.
The elements of body and mind grew still,
happiness came.

Everywhere clinging to pleasure is destroyed,
the great dark is torn apart,and Death
you too are destroyed.

November 5, 2008

one more vote for fall

this is probably my favorte photo of my iowa experience. my dear friend kendra took it (she is gifted):

November 4, 2008

fist pump = so hot right now


The fist pump is a celebratory gesture in which a closed fist is raised before the torso and subsequently drawn down and nearer to the body in a vigorous, swift motion. The fist pump is frequently carried out in parts of the Western Hemisphere, Europe, and Japan (where it is known as guts pose) to denote enthusiasm, exuberance, or success and may be accompanied by a similarly energetic exclamation or vociferation. The gesture may be executed once or in a rapid series.

It can be accompanied by the verbalization "Yes!"

[Thanks Lia, Wikipedia, and gchat status duets!]

Fistpumps all around on this magnificent night!

November 3, 2008

sartre, baudelaire, wallace, buber, solitude, isolation, the self, etc etc etc

i was convinced that sartre did actually have something valid to say when i read his short book "baudelaire" a few years ago. (nausea was effective when i was 17, but being and nothingness drives me partially mad) quoting baudelaire, sartre writes: "i had a sense of being destined to eternal solitude.” and then continues on with his own analysis: "baudelaire already thought of his isolation as a destiny. that meant he did not accept it passively. on the contrary, he embraced it with fury, shut himself up in it and, since he was condemned to it, hoped that at any rate his condemnation was final."

xarissa posted david foster wallace's brilliant (and i mean BRILLIANT) commencement speech at kenyon college on her blog. this document is so true, and hits at the very core of what it means to engage with our own solitude or isolation, like sartre explains. he states:

"Here is just one example of the total wrongness of something I tend to be automatically sure of: everything in my own immediate experience supports my deep belief that I am the absolute center of the universe; the realest, most vivid and important person in existence. We rarely think about this sort of natural, basic self-centeredness because it's so socially repulsive. But it's pretty much the same for all of us. It is our default setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth. Think about it: there is no experience you have had that you are not the absolute center of. The world as you experience it is there in front of YOU or behind YOU, to the left or right of YOU, on YOUR TV or YOUR monitor. And so on. Other people's thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, real."

do we, like baudelaire, become obsessed with the idea that it is us alone alone alone in all of this? that our view is the only one with validity? are we trapped in this notion of a self-centered destiny? i know how we all search after connection, true real connection with others. but that's not the point of either sartre or wallace's expositions. because even the most self-centered of individuals can be eternally searching for a real other to attach deep and close to their soul. the point is the way we view that individual, that other. the other we're trying to be connected to has an equally self-centered view as we do, it's our "default" setting like wallace explains. it takes concerted effort on our part to actually empathize with others, i mean truly empathize and seek for connection not only to fulfill our own need, but also to see that other person's actual perspective. if we can do that, then we'll realize that none of us are destined to isolated solitude. to not see the other as an object of use, but to see the other as a "you." like buber explains again and again, that ability to say "you" is something we must eternally strive for. it's not just a search for connection, it's a radical shift in viewpoint, and a shocking awareness of our own ego.

it's just like one of wallace's "banal platitudes" that holds such significant truth: "it's not all about you!" :)

November 2, 2008

oh fall, please stay forever


fleet foxes "white winter hymnal" (my new favorite song)

new artist crush:


michael borremans, manufacturers of constellation (2000)

isn't it riveting how just a few suggestive marks of black and water on paper can leave you feeling so much?

bliss in the mailbox

a few weeks ago i went to my mailbox and pulled out a tidy envelope from dear lia. enclosed were two poems that have virtually carried me through ever since. this one took my breath away:

little things

After she's gone to camp, in the early
evening I clear Liddy's breakfast dishes
from the rosewood table, and find a small
crystallized pool of maple syrup, the
grains standing there, round, in the night, I
rub it with my fingertip
as if I could read it, I wonder why
I think of my father, of the beautiful blood--red glass
in his hand, or his black hair gleaming like a
broken-open coal. I think I learned to
love the little things about him
because of all the things
I could not love, no one could, it would be wrong to.
So when I fix on this tiny image of resin
or sweep together with the heel of my hand a pile of my son's
sunburn peels like
insect wings, where I peeled his back the night before
camp, I am doing something I learned early to do, I am
paying attention to small beauties,
whatever I have--as if it were our duty to
find things to love, to bind ourselves to this world.

-Sharon Olds

a few days before lia's envelope, i got a brown package from amanda. enclosed was this marvel of a poem:

hate blows a bubble of despair into
hugeness world system universe and bang
--fear buries a tomorrow under woe
and up comes yesterday most green and young

pleasure and pain are merely surfaces
(one itself showing,itself hiding one)
life's only and true value neither is
love makes the little thickness of the coin

comes here a man would have from madame death
nevertheless now and without winter spring?
she'll spin that spirit her own fingers with
and give him nothing (if he should not sing)

how much more than enough for both of us
darling. And if i sing you are my voice,

-e.e. cummings

and this is why i love us. thank you my dear, dear friends for keeping me afloat and loving me.